Then and Now

Dear All,

There was a Then and Now support group I went to about five years ago that I liked a lot. The topics would be ones that tied our lives in the present and past together. I loved the way that this group was set up because we were telling our stories. We had three topics; we had to touch on all of them. So, usually the speaker would give a little introduction, touch on each topic and sum up, just like a Baker Essay.

I remember being very nervous before saying anything. I loved the people in my group, but while I knew quite a lot about one aspect of their lives, I knew next to nothing about anything else. They were extremely responsive when I was talking but would never interrupt. It was a perfect balance of respect and empathy. They didn't feel sorry for me. It was comforting to be with people who could tolerate the level of sadness in my life.

Then there was this guy, W., who started coming. He was very religious and evangelical. He started using the group as a way to fill the pews in his church. When he ran the group, he would keep us overtime. These group sessions were already very intense, so seventeen extra minutes, especially of listening to W. talk, were unwelcome. After one particularly long evangelical rant, I vowed that next time I would say something, since we were already overtime that day.

So, I did say something, and he kept us longer that time. The following week, I said something again. In these groups we are taught to speak from the "I" perspective. "I" don't like it when you do X because I feel Y. I did this. I spent my whole time on it. Damned if W. didn't keep us overtime again. It happened over and over again after that; I missed five groups. I just got too upset while W. was talking that it was no longer helping me to recover.

If I hadn't missed the other people, I wouldn't have gone back, but I did go back to give it one last try. This time, everyone who said anything at all came down on W.'s side. I said back that I thought that he was mixing religion with the real stuff we were there to be discussing: why we did to ourselves what we did, our recoveries. People told me, things such as "Without God I would not be in recovery...", and that I should "...let go and let God". The problem was that I knew God didn't do this to me and wasn't responsible for getting me to stop; I was. Still- it worked for them. I was the odd person out because it really didn't work for me.

Since I didn't want to hurt them or their recoveries, I didn't tell them that I wouldn't go back. I just never went back. I miss a lot of the people still though. I loved them. Just like me they were taking one day at a time.

Sincerely,
Betsy