Self-discipline, Organization and Paranoia

Dear All,

Some of the side-effects of the medicine I take worsen my short and medium term memory. This is how it feels. Imagine finding it very hard to learn new vocabulary or not being able to remember how to get places because nothing looks familiar. Think about losing things that are right in front of you because you can't remember putting them down. Worst, though, would be being unable to finish your own sentences.

Most of my E.S.L. students come from one country. I am learning their language of origin because I believe that it will make me a better tutor. It requires being able to write with a different letter-system a new lexicon of sounds and a whole new vocabulary. While I have been listening to this language for eight years, I have not picked up many individual words. I can read the letters of this language but I can't put them in order, so looking things up in the dictionary is a challenge. Many of the letters are the same shape, just turned in different directions. To a Dyslexic, these are all effectively the same letter, so the vocabulary goes in one ear and out the other. If I do anything as fancy as turn a page to write something down, I may forget the spelling, repeatedly.

My mother always called me a homing pigeon because I almost never got lost, even going places to which I'd only been once. Recently, for five minutes while I was in the car I couldn't remember what day it was, thus I couldn't remember where I had to go. I took a wrong turn and went way out of my way, and before I knew it couldn't remember how to get to the right family's house despite the fact that I was in a familiar place. It used to be that I got lost only if I had never been someplace before, not going from lesson to lesson.

I have always loved to drive and go new places. I memorize new places using the local traffic signs, parked cars, color and shape of buildings, topography, which all mesh into a changing composition of the images which move along like a video. This has been very useful. When I was seventeen I went to Paris with a group of kids from my school. We were at Notre Dame de Paris. It is a fascinating place, and being the distractable person that I was, I went to buy some film. I took four rolls of film before I realized my group, which had a busy day planned, had left. I don't regret it, however. Although I didn't expect any help, I wasn't worried. It was ten in the morning, I knew the name of my hotel and that it was along the Seine River. Using my French, my legs and my sense of direction, I got back to my hotel before my group did. It was four miles; I had been in Paris for a day. It was a cinch. I would be in some real trouble if that happened to me today.

Due to my Dyslexia, I used to memorize everything that I could. By nature I am someone who learns best though listening and through images (pictures, maps, diagrams, tables and charts). Before my computer, writing things gave me a false sense of security: I would write down my thoughts and feel free to forget them. Then usually I would lose the paper. However, because of my computer and the ease with which I can organize my files, I have become someone who prefers to communicate in text. First, I have a record of everything that I have done. Second, my students and their families understand me better. Now, if I don't write things down, I get the things wrong, they don't get done, I lose things- and then I blame others for misinforming or constraining me, or moving my things.

Paranoia has always been more comfortable than not trusting my memory or my mind, but, at age 35, when I realized the effect that this blaming behavior was having on my marriage, I started carrying a purse in order to have one place to put my essential items. I always (usually)hang my purse on the back of a specific door in my home, and hang my keys next to the front door. When I go out, I carry two sets of keys, one on a long bungee clipped to my belt loop, and an extra set on a belt clip. When the key goes in the ignition, it is still on the bungee. In theory I never take the bungee off, so when I get out of my car, automatically I won't get locked out of my car or home. I don't get locked out nearly as often as I used to do.

The purse is harder though. The other day I was in a complete panic because I couldn't find my purse. I was doing laundry at a local laundromat, one where a couple of my things have been stolen out of the machines. I thought I had left my purse inside, but I had just put it on top of my laundry and put my laundry in the car. I was staring right at it. I had no recollection of having just put the purse in the laundry basket, and I didn't recognise it. All I remembered was putting the laundry basket in the car, and realizing that my bag was not on my shoulder. I looked all around before I noticed it on my laundry.

Quite a few of my spoken sentences go unfinished because I forget what I was talking about. My mind moves a lot faster than my mouth does. I have adopted a "before I forget" conversational style. I think that it can be hard to follow but now at least all of the important things are said. I assume that if I trail off that it probably wasn't important.

The only remedy is self-discipline; paying attention to what I am saying, writing things down in one place, putting things back in the same places and cleaning up everyday really help. They don't take much time and it make me feel more on top of things. While the memory problems are scary, on good days I do my routine and I feel confident that I can and will overcome my problem.

Thank you sincerely for reading,
Betsy