The Blind Leading the Blind

Dear All,

If you were looking for an English tutor, someone Dyslexic, with ADD and Depression would not be at the top of your list. Yet this is what I do for a living, and oddly enough I am actually a rather good tutor.

There was a progam yesterday on NPR about girls suffering from ADHD. Apparently women are far less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than ADD because age and conditioning seem to have calming effects. One caller was talking about her experiences with being diagnosed in her late twenties and how she felt her life would have been very different if she had been diagnosed and treated earlier. I am not given to crying spells now that I am better-stocked than the local pharmacy, but I felt so sad for her, and I identified so much with her.

I started seeing a med's nurse last year to manage my Depression better. It was from this office that I received both my ADD and chronic depression diagnoses. It was life-changing and a confirmation of what I had already suspected: that my complete and utter inability to organize myself was organic. While there were times when I was able to cope fairly well, the chaos would always resume. Square one and I are well-acquainted.

Being self-employed was really incompatible with this set of problems. Still- using my trusty notebook, my e-mail and a special planner that I made up myself, I was able to keep it together pretty well, that is until my last profound Depression hit. It was a cocktail of depressive symptoms I have never experienced before simultaneously, and it ravaged the fragile truce I had called with my ADD. Control of my mind and the contents thereof was usurped by my angry, self-defeating tendencies, and overwhelmed my sense of pride in any accomplishments or progress I might have made.

With my configuration of problems, it is amazing that I have made it to age 38. The reality is that am lucky to get out of bed in the morning, pay my bills on time, do my shopping and laundry and keep myself and my living-space clean. These are very basic needs, but unfortunately, there isn't much energy left over for writing books, traveling or going back to school. I don't dare to dream because my dreams are huge. I have certain abilities, but they go unfulfilled because I just can't get it together.

Yet- I tutor English, which is very detailed. How can I, why do I do this? It is because I know what it's like to be unable to speak or write clearly. I am willing to spend the time to get things right. I don't take for granted that I got things right the first time. As a result of my disadvantages, I can empathize and listen better; it helps that I am naturally good at grammar. I am currently learning (slowly) my fourth language. So, the answer is that my thinking problems are both a hindrance and a help. Overcompensation and a spell-checker can be wonderful things.
Sincerely,
Betsy