Passionately Un

Dear All,

I prefer being neither one nor the other, undecided, unextreme, unjudgemental, passionately un.

There is so much about our world that we don't know. One of my favorite aspects of skeptics is the unwillingness to make final decisions about things. Skeptics like to hold theories which stand if and until more plausible theories come along. This open-mindedness is beautiful in its utter simplicity. We shout down our doubting Thomases, yet without them, without their ability to project possible negative outcomes, we would go gallivanting off reinventing the wheel, stealing and restealing fire from the gods, and in the process running over our children and burning down our houses. By requiring certainty without proof, we become intellectually stagnant and fail to evolve.

I look at the world today and ask why we, as sapient beings, fight over God. It seems clear to me that any God that wanted the best for us would be disappointed if we were to kill other people to spread our beliefs, even in our God. On what authority do I say this? The basic tenets of most religions forbid people to kill other people.

Science backs this up: members of a species killing one another is illogical. Species rely on biodiversity in order to evolve, so humans killing other humans is self-defeating because it constricts our gene pool. If biodiversity weren't important, in times of scarcity we would be cannibals; most of us find cannibalism abhorrent, even in places where food is scarce. So, my guess is that, after a millennium of millennia, this is programmed into our genes, and is why we have thrived as a species.

There are a few people that have tried evangelism of one sort or another with me. K., a girl I knew in college, made me cry about the void a lack of God made in my heart. Even still, I was unable to agree with her. She did made me acknowledge the painful hole in my heart, but the hole remained.

C., a friend of my husband's, tried to get us to become Jehovah's Witnesses. Again this pointed out the hole in my heart, but his beliefs struck me as improbable at best, and contradictory at worst.

My friend, M., a very intelligent Muslim person I knew took a different approach. I was very curious about the Middle East and she was interested in explaining various Middle Eastern cultures, so I was a good audience. She never tried to convince me to convert, which is why I still think of this as a successful friendship even though it is now over.

She was generally respectful and curious about my beliefs and I was of hers as well. One day, though she said that I had no idea what I was missing by not having a religion in my life. That actually had nothing to do with the demise of our friendship, but it hurt because I had trusted her not to judge me. I never judged her although I felt undefended and alone. I still think that I am a better person for having known her. I don't judge her for being happy in her beliefs- on the contrary- I wish I were as happy as her.

When my mother died my spiritual beliefs underwent a shift. It was the foxhole of the war that was and is my life. As they say, there are no atheists in foxholes. It was inconceivable to me that this person who I have known longer than anyone else was no more. Yet, that appeared to be the case. It was shocking to me, and despite a series of dreams of her that continue even ten years later, I am still undecided, but at peace with not knowing. In fact, I have come to the belief that it is none of my business to know what happens to us after death until I'm, as it were, on a need-to-know basis.

From my experiences, I have learned that sometimes to be true to myself, I must deny certainty, the most comfortable option. It is hard not deciding, being a nuanced shade of gray, and not judging those who would judge me. Yet, I remain passionately un... at least for now.

Sincerely,
Betsy