Breastfeeding Manners Vs. Realities

Dear All,

Sometimes your friends make you think. Well- at least mine often do. I think that is why they are my friends. So, getting into a rip-roaring disagreement with a friend yesterday has provoked me to reconsider my point of view about public breastfeeding.

Classically, I have been extremely offended by public breastfeeding. While I agree that there is no spoken rule about it, I believe that there is very much an unspoken rule against it. Feminists I know think that it is basic misogyny in our culture that makes us uncomfortable with public breastfeeding; this may be true. Many feminists think that there should be laws protecting public breastfeeding. Let me say that while I am definitely in favor of breastfeeding, I still wouldn't go that far. I am a woman; I am a feminist in the classic sense, and I am offended by public breastfeeding. There is nothing bad, or unnatural about it; as it is immodest, it is private.

My friend pointed out that there are certain practicalities involved in lactating, over which mothers have little or no control, requiring periodic evacuation of the mammary glands one way or another. Whether by the mothers' choice or by responding to inner pressure this process occurs, and can be conspicuously messy if not properly cared for. Thus, she said it actually is less conspicuous to breastfeed with a blanket over the shoulder and the baby under the blanket than not to breastfeed under such circumstances.

I found this timing-related argument persuasive because this was something that I hadn't known, but mentioned that there were other options. I pointed out that going to the restroom is a good one. She said that it wasn't practical because of the necessary frequency of feedings. "Hell- I go to the bathroom every couple of hours; what's the problem?" I thought, but I didn't say this. In fact, I didn't know what to say because I have never lactated. I was very frustrated because I was brought up to believe that this sort of thing was just not done, but I couldn't give her any reasons that were more persuasive to her than the argument she had already given to me.

After a night's sleep, I have come to several conclusions. While it is true that I myself have never run into this problem, women have been dealing with it since the dawn of time. Before the 1960s, it was thoroughly unacceptable to breastfeed in public, and yet breastfeeding doubtless occurred. Mothers somehow found a way to deliver the proper nutrition to their infants without breastfeeding in public. So, why the sudden inability to deal with the practicalities of breastfeeding without being able to do so precisely whenever and wherever the infant wants it?

My friend says because her infant will be fed every two hours (or as needed) for the first couple of months, and because she doesn't want to say home for that whole time, that I either better get used to it, or not hang out with her then. I tried the following argument, but was disorganized in my thought, and couldn't get it out before she'd already jumped to a conclusion and started arguing about it. The following is not a perfect analogy because children don't have biological imperatives to have temper-tantrums, but I liken this to situations where children need to be removed from public places so as not to disturb other people. Parents who refuse on the grounds that they won't be kept from their favorite activities just because their kids are being naughty are subjecting innocent bystanders to unwanted stress. It is very stressful to be witness to anything embarrassing or offensive over which we have no control.

I would further point out that it is a biological imperative to excrete waste and clean our bodies. We do these things in private because the processes may be found embarrassing or offensive to others thereby making them uncomfortable. It is a question of intimacy and of not setting personal comfortable personal boundaries.

While an infant's imperative for nourishment is not faulty, the need is a reasonably predictable one. If an hour and three quarters has passed since the last feeding, it's time to look for a private place to do it again. The argument "the kid's gotta eat" is, for the above reasons unpersuasive. Also, regardless of why it makes people uncomfortable, my observation is that it often does. I can't personally justify making others uncomfortable when alternative solutions can be found.

I further pointed out that no one, unless he is a complete jerk, would actually say to a publicly-breastfeeding stranger that what she is doing is making him uncomfortable. This is because not only is she is already coping with a difficult situation, but the infant has a very real need. So, a mother breastfeeding in public potentially puts others around her in an uncomfortable situation about which they are unable to do anything socially acceptable but leave. Others may find this uncomfortable because it makes them feel controlled. I said I thought that public breastfeeding, because of how uncomfortable it might make others, was extremely offensive.

It seems clear to me that there is a wide-spread rebellion against classic etiquette and manners (version 1.0) because they are outdated. That's as may be, but the fact remains: the purpose of manners is not to be snobby or to inhibit others' freedom, but to put others around us at ease. Manners exist to make as many people as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. Manners are other-centered, rather than self-centered. In our customs, we find guidelines about what good manners entail, and we follow our customs to enable as many people to be as comfortable as possible, not push our will onto others.

Customs differ, though. Before we brought "culture" to North America, Native Americans felt no shame performing any biological function in front of others. Today, we bathe, brush our teeth, defecate, urinate and blow our noses- in private. Why do we do these things in private? We do them in private because we have been taught that they are private, i.e., necessary facts of life that don't need to be shared with others. It makes us uncomfortable to walk in on someone defecating; the person himself might be uncomfortable as well. Just because some women have become comfortable showing their breasts in public while breast feeding does not mean that everyone else can, or wants to be comfortable with this. Nor does it mean that we should. As long as we do our daily ablutions in private, why is it a misogynistic act to be uncomfortable with public breast feeding? Why does this make our society misogynistic?

Further, the argument, "don't like it don't look" deflects others' opposition by ignoring it, thus not putting others at ease, and in doing so showing passive hostility toward others. To reframe this: we consider it a crime to urinate or defecate, even in a contained manner, in public. It is called indecent exposure. I wonder, just out of curiosity, how many people would continue to stare if a person were to void his bowels in public. I wonder how many of the starers might be offended. Of those people who were offended, I wonder how many of those people might be mothers who regard defecation as equally natural as public breastfeeding, but who might regard defecation as something to be done in private?

For the above reasons, arguments in favor of public breastfeeding such as "my mother did it", or "people should loosen up" are rendered moot.

Sincerely,
Betsy