Going in the Wrong Direction

Some days I wake up with a feeling of going in the wrong direction, and this feeling persists all day regardless of what I do thoughout the course of the day. I don't know why this is, but it is harder to figure out what to do when I can't rely on my feelings to tell me what are good things to do.

Today, I woke up with a feeling of optimism and hope until I looked outside and it was snowing. It is no longer snowing, but now the feeling of optimism with which I greeted the morning is gone. So, sometimes right after I wake up the feeling comes over me.

Sometimes I don't get the feeling until I am up and doing things. For example, if I know certain chores must get done, and get up and do them right away, I may have feelings of well-being that last most of the day. However, if I put one foot wrong, then the feeling comes back. I can make the feeling go away by thinking about several courses of action. I do which ever one provokes the least negative feelings.

I guess it's dread that I feel, fear of an unknown enemy, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of being so afraid I do nothing and waste my whole life. My life would me so different if I were incapable of feeling fear. I read an article about people who are incapable of fear, and they do not invariably act irrationally or erratically. Most of them just get on with living, and are usually very effective people.

I wish I were effective people, but often I am paralysed by fear. Fear of leaving the house is the worst one for me. Oddly enough, I almost never have the going in the wrong direction feeling when I am out. Whether it is being out that quashes that feeling, or whether I wouldn't be able to get out if I were feeling that feeling, is unclear. Some days I want so badly to leave the house, but am unable to achieve escape velocity. Longing to be free of my prison of inside, and pets, and too much stuff and screaming birds... I long for the Sun and the open sky and to be alone, in all of my glory, outside.

The courage this takes is often beyond me, as it is right now. There are so many steps to get though before I can go out: the proper attire, keys, bag, phone all must be found and assembled... or perhaps these are self-inflicted barriers I put up in order to stay safe inside.

I will get out today. And tomorrow, perhaps I will get out tomorrow. All that out is frightening and exhilarating, and a reason to wake up tomorrow with optimism, and with any luck no dread.