Dear All,
It has been 157 days since my last confession. It's been a long time because frankly I haven't had anything to say that I wasn't required to say elsewhere. Today, I have something I can't say elsewhere; there is nowhere safe or private enough. And that is the problem.
For starters, I have taken apart everything in my life and put it all back together differently, possibly better. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss, loss of the familiar, loss of friendships, loss of family, loss of love.
There is also wonderment at how things have changed. I went from being hopelessly unable to balance my books to being increasingly able to do so. I have health insurance in my own name for the first time as an adult. I have a car, one which works perfectly, for the first time in twenty years. In short, I have a plan about how to get myself out of the mess I got myself into. I'm not out of it yet, but it's only a matter of time.
It all happened because I was absolutely unable to say no to anyone when I really really needed to say no. I was a doormat. Whatever my husband wanted, I couldn't stand for him not to have it. I never asked myself what I wanted. I didn't want to have to pay for both of us all of the time, and so I was angry all of the time. My friends treated me as if I existed for their convenience. I had no control over my time; this was annoying but I never thought that it was dangerous.
Then, I landed in the hospital, and I told everyone who was asking too much to leave me alone. And my life got better. The power of saying no is extraordinary, and liberating, especially to someone not allowed to say the word.
It's funny that the very people who are and were so adept at using that word were the ones who were the angriest when I said it to them. This was something that I had no anticipated, but it made me think.
One of my housemates has turned into a right, royal pain in the ass. And I could see myself falling back into the old patterns. There is something that he does that strikes me as extremely wasteful, and since I am the one who pays that bill, I called him on it. He tried not leaving me alone until I had agreed that he could do whatever he wanted. This was after complaining repeatedly about other people not doing a variety of things the way that he wanted them done.
So, I used that all as ammunition; I said to him that I had done everything that he had asked me to do- and that this was something about which I was serious (it is one of a few possible issues that I could pick, however it was the highest priority). He explained to me over and over his reasons for doing things the way he liked (no new reasons after the first time). I told him that I rejected his reasoning as faulty, that I thought he was being unreasonable, that it was my house and as long as I paid the bill, this was not optional, told him we were not going to convince each other, and that we had to agree to disagree, and for that reason I was going to go and do something else. AND THEN I CLOSED THE DOOR.
I was high as a kite after that meeting. I was excited to be me for the first time in a long time. I felt a little unsettled, but mostly relieved; I had weathered the storm and had expressed myself clearly without apology, had defended myself well, and hadn't back down.
It remains to be seen how he will react, although it is interesting to note that he has not paid his rent. It was due yesterday. Although the other housemates agree that the wasteful thing he is doing is silly as well as wasteful, I was the only one in the position to say anything about it because it was skin off of my nose. I don't think that it will have the intended effect, but it might yet. Anyway, I no longer feel like a basketcase, and all due to being able to say, "No!"
Signed,
B
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Dishes Are Calling
Dear All,
When I look at a sink full of dirty dishes, I see a series of steps that I have not undertaken, but which I must, invariably, undertake.
I don't mind sweeping or mopping, there's just something about dirty dishes that seem very formidable. Perhaps I fear that I cannot get them clean enough. Perhaps I feel that there's something wrong with me that I let them accumulate. Perhaps I feel outraged at the sheer number of utensils, cooking vessels, storage containers, and serving implements it takes just to make one meal for two people. Worst of all, perhaps it reminds me of the fridge, which as far as I am concerned could be in another time zone.
Organization is not something that you can buy in a store. Trust me, I've tried. It is an act, a process. I hate the action of this process.
Hate isn't the entire story, though. Some days, cleaning is simply out of the question. My body is like lead and I can't think at all. I call these my dead-end-one-way-street days.
Some days I look at something that I need to organize, and I can't see how to do it. Other days I can see how to do it, but I don't have the energy. These two situations coincide about 40% of the time, thus I am not generally considered a neat person. I call these my red light days.
Sometimes I have a lot of energy, and through sheer determination, even though I can't see how to organize something, by doing one thing, and another and another, I can get things pretty clean. I would say this is happening more and more often, currently at a rate of about 25% of the time. These are very satisfying, but the results are unpredictable. I call these my yellow light days.
Sometimes though, everything seems very clear to me and I am able to whip through all of my tasks. I enjoy cleaning then. These are my green light days. They really aren't happening that often these days, but usually they happen once a week or so.
So saying that I hate cleaning (dish washing) is only an approximate truth. I hate failing at solving the puzzle of what to do first when there's a big job; to me dishes always seem like a big job.
When I look at a sink full of dirty dishes, I see a series of steps that I have not undertaken, but which I must, invariably, undertake.
I don't mind sweeping or mopping, there's just something about dirty dishes that seem very formidable. Perhaps I fear that I cannot get them clean enough. Perhaps I feel that there's something wrong with me that I let them accumulate. Perhaps I feel outraged at the sheer number of utensils, cooking vessels, storage containers, and serving implements it takes just to make one meal for two people. Worst of all, perhaps it reminds me of the fridge, which as far as I am concerned could be in another time zone.
Organization is not something that you can buy in a store. Trust me, I've tried. It is an act, a process. I hate the action of this process.
Hate isn't the entire story, though. Some days, cleaning is simply out of the question. My body is like lead and I can't think at all. I call these my dead-end-one-way-street days.
Some days I look at something that I need to organize, and I can't see how to do it. Other days I can see how to do it, but I don't have the energy. These two situations coincide about 40% of the time, thus I am not generally considered a neat person. I call these my red light days.
Sometimes I have a lot of energy, and through sheer determination, even though I can't see how to organize something, by doing one thing, and another and another, I can get things pretty clean. I would say this is happening more and more often, currently at a rate of about 25% of the time. These are very satisfying, but the results are unpredictable. I call these my yellow light days.
Sometimes though, everything seems very clear to me and I am able to whip through all of my tasks. I enjoy cleaning then. These are my green light days. They really aren't happening that often these days, but usually they happen once a week or so.
So saying that I hate cleaning (dish washing) is only an approximate truth. I hate failing at solving the puzzle of what to do first when there's a big job; to me dishes always seem like a big job.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Diabetes and Moderation: Too Little, Too Late
Dear All,
Well, it has finally come to pass. I now have full-blown Diabetes to add to my list of illnesses. Getting rid of the T.V. was good, taking care of the Depression was better, trying to lose some weight, was all very well.
All of this was too little, too late. My body had already taken years of abuse, and its reaction was to become diabetic, and inceasingly depressed. There is a huge co-morbidity between Depression and Diabetes. Diabetes makes Depression worse, and Depression makes Diabetes worse. The brain chemistry is the link between the two. Just like alcoholics can "pickle" their brains with alcohol, a brain steeping in sugar is not an effective brain.
When I began to lose weight, I was thrilled. I thought that it was the ADD medication. Many symptoms of Diabetes are masked by Psychiatric meds. Plus- I didn't want to know. So, I had thought that I was doing better until I landed in the hospital with unbearable stomach pain and my blood sugar was found to be 490, dangerously high. Normal blood sugar is about 100 (80-120). While the stomach pain was probably unrelated, it, let us just say, was a clarion call. I associate the pain with eating badly, and this has been a great motivator to eat well, take my meds and exercise.
So- I have made some changes. Despite the fact that I like carbohydrates, they are my drug of choice, I have cut out 90% of the carbs and 98% of the sugar that I had been eating. I take my meds. These have helped me to get my blood sugar under control. I go to the gym three to five times per week where I can I walk and monitor my heart rate. I love Planet Fitness. It's cheap and people are very friendly and accepting. I have lost many inches, and probably many pounds, but because of the eating disorder (compulsive overeating) I don't weigh myself. Everyday is a new day, a clean slate. If screw up today, I start tomorrow with a fresh mind. If I screwed up yesterday, that was yesterday. Today's a different day. And so, slowly I learn and make progress. These have been the effects.
General sharpness: I am very troubled by some of the changes in myself. I feel a lot sharper. I actually finish my sentences now. I can remember things, and am much more aware of when I have gotten things wrong, or when I am truely confused, or when I myself am being confusing. My clients have been taking advantage of this, and getting me to do things for them because I never objected. I have put a stop to these stressful intrusions on my time.
Stress levels: On-going stress makes bloodsugar go up. Think about it: it's the fight or flight response. Releasing sugar into the blood stream provides quick energy. I try to moderate my stress with exercise and dealing with problems head on if I can bear it. There are drugs to control anxiety, however, they are a last resort for me because they are addictive.
Detailed clarity: I can multi-task, and things seem simpler to me now. Finances, work, editing, going to the gym, driving- these things are all simple and routine. I can work out complex daily tasks and schedules- and can keep things in mind, for example remembering to write down when I have appointments in one place. My sessions are faster, and probably more effective. I can be the rock for my students that they need, especially the struggling ones.
Visual acuity: I can see better, too. It is really frightening to me that I was driving in my condition. I see now why they take peoples' driver licenses away who have uncontrolled high blood sugar. It is very hard to think, react and make good decisions because there is this complete lack of input and processing power. When I drive now, I can drive a bit faster, and I believe more safely because I can see and process information. I always drove about five to ten miles per hour lower than the speed limit because I couldn't see, unless I was late someplace, and then I was a lead-foot. That was really dangerous.
Level of energy: I have some now. Period. I can get out of bed and go places and do things. I take care of myself. As a direct result of increased energy:
Courage: I have the courage to take an honest look at my situation because I have the energy to solve the problems that have been coming up repeatedly for me.
Constant motion: One way that Depression worsens Diabetes is the sedentary nature of those who are depressed. It doesn't have to be running a marathon. Just getting up and walking around is really useful in controlling blood sugar. Since I move more often, it has become easier to lower my blood sugar.
If you or anyone you know has these symptoms: fatigue, extreme thirst, extreme hunger yet weight loss of muscle mass (looks like: very thin limbs but a heavy torso), problems with memory and concentration, heart disease, shortness of breath (due to Asthma, or poor circulation), carbohydrate cravings or Depression you might be saving his or her live by suggesting a trip to the doctor for a blood sugar stick. If you or the person of whom you are thinking do any of these things, these behaviors may be indications that there is a problem: driving really slowly, forgetting appointments, squinting, breaking off speaking in the middle of sentences, losing things or trouble with organization or overindulging in sweets, again, a trip to the doctor for a blood sugar stick might be a really good idea.
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Betsy
Well, it has finally come to pass. I now have full-blown Diabetes to add to my list of illnesses. Getting rid of the T.V. was good, taking care of the Depression was better, trying to lose some weight, was all very well.
All of this was too little, too late. My body had already taken years of abuse, and its reaction was to become diabetic, and inceasingly depressed. There is a huge co-morbidity between Depression and Diabetes. Diabetes makes Depression worse, and Depression makes Diabetes worse. The brain chemistry is the link between the two. Just like alcoholics can "pickle" their brains with alcohol, a brain steeping in sugar is not an effective brain.
When I began to lose weight, I was thrilled. I thought that it was the ADD medication. Many symptoms of Diabetes are masked by Psychiatric meds. Plus- I didn't want to know. So, I had thought that I was doing better until I landed in the hospital with unbearable stomach pain and my blood sugar was found to be 490, dangerously high. Normal blood sugar is about 100 (80-120). While the stomach pain was probably unrelated, it, let us just say, was a clarion call. I associate the pain with eating badly, and this has been a great motivator to eat well, take my meds and exercise.
So- I have made some changes. Despite the fact that I like carbohydrates, they are my drug of choice, I have cut out 90% of the carbs and 98% of the sugar that I had been eating. I take my meds. These have helped me to get my blood sugar under control. I go to the gym three to five times per week where I can I walk and monitor my heart rate. I love Planet Fitness. It's cheap and people are very friendly and accepting. I have lost many inches, and probably many pounds, but because of the eating disorder (compulsive overeating) I don't weigh myself. Everyday is a new day, a clean slate. If screw up today, I start tomorrow with a fresh mind. If I screwed up yesterday, that was yesterday. Today's a different day. And so, slowly I learn and make progress. These have been the effects.
General sharpness: I am very troubled by some of the changes in myself. I feel a lot sharper. I actually finish my sentences now. I can remember things, and am much more aware of when I have gotten things wrong, or when I am truely confused, or when I myself am being confusing. My clients have been taking advantage of this, and getting me to do things for them because I never objected. I have put a stop to these stressful intrusions on my time.
Stress levels: On-going stress makes bloodsugar go up. Think about it: it's the fight or flight response. Releasing sugar into the blood stream provides quick energy. I try to moderate my stress with exercise and dealing with problems head on if I can bear it. There are drugs to control anxiety, however, they are a last resort for me because they are addictive.
Detailed clarity: I can multi-task, and things seem simpler to me now. Finances, work, editing, going to the gym, driving- these things are all simple and routine. I can work out complex daily tasks and schedules- and can keep things in mind, for example remembering to write down when I have appointments in one place. My sessions are faster, and probably more effective. I can be the rock for my students that they need, especially the struggling ones.
Visual acuity: I can see better, too. It is really frightening to me that I was driving in my condition. I see now why they take peoples' driver licenses away who have uncontrolled high blood sugar. It is very hard to think, react and make good decisions because there is this complete lack of input and processing power. When I drive now, I can drive a bit faster, and I believe more safely because I can see and process information. I always drove about five to ten miles per hour lower than the speed limit because I couldn't see, unless I was late someplace, and then I was a lead-foot. That was really dangerous.
Level of energy: I have some now. Period. I can get out of bed and go places and do things. I take care of myself. As a direct result of increased energy:
Courage: I have the courage to take an honest look at my situation because I have the energy to solve the problems that have been coming up repeatedly for me.
Constant motion: One way that Depression worsens Diabetes is the sedentary nature of those who are depressed. It doesn't have to be running a marathon. Just getting up and walking around is really useful in controlling blood sugar. Since I move more often, it has become easier to lower my blood sugar.
If you or anyone you know has these symptoms: fatigue, extreme thirst, extreme hunger yet weight loss of muscle mass (looks like: very thin limbs but a heavy torso), problems with memory and concentration, heart disease, shortness of breath (due to Asthma, or poor circulation), carbohydrate cravings or Depression you might be saving his or her live by suggesting a trip to the doctor for a blood sugar stick. If you or the person of whom you are thinking do any of these things, these behaviors may be indications that there is a problem: driving really slowly, forgetting appointments, squinting, breaking off speaking in the middle of sentences, losing things or trouble with organization or overindulging in sweets, again, a trip to the doctor for a blood sugar stick might be a really good idea.
Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
Betsy
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