The Power of a Calm, Clear "No!"

Dear All,

It has been 157 days since my last confession. It's been a long time because frankly I haven't had anything to say that I wasn't required to say elsewhere. Today, I have something I can't say elsewhere; there is nowhere safe or private enough. And that is the problem.

For starters, I have taken apart everything in my life and put it all back together differently, possibly better. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss, loss of the familiar, loss of friendships, loss of family, loss of love.

There is also wonderment at how things have changed. I went from being hopelessly unable to balance my books to being increasingly able to do so. I have health insurance in my own name for the first time as an adult. I have a car, one which works perfectly, for the first time in twenty years. In short, I have a plan about how to get myself out of the mess I got myself into. I'm not out of it yet, but it's only a matter of time.

It all happened because I was absolutely unable to say no to anyone when I really really needed to say no. I was a doormat. Whatever my husband wanted, I couldn't stand for him not to have it. I never asked myself what I wanted. I didn't want to have to pay for both of us all of the time, and so I was angry all of the time. My friends treated me as if I existed for their convenience. I had no control over my time; this was annoying but I never thought that it was dangerous.

Then, I landed in the hospital, and I told everyone who was asking too much to leave me alone. And my life got better. The power of saying no is extraordinary, and liberating, especially to someone not allowed to say the word.

It's funny that the very people who are and were so adept at using that word were the ones who were the angriest when I said it to them. This was something that I had no anticipated, but it made me think.

One of my housemates has turned into a right, royal pain in the ass. And I could see myself falling back into the old patterns. There is something that he does that strikes me as extremely wasteful, and since I am the one who pays that bill, I called him on it. He tried not leaving me alone until I had agreed that he could do whatever he wanted. This was after complaining repeatedly about other people not doing a variety of things the way that he wanted them done.

So, I used that all as ammunition; I said to him that I had done everything that he had asked me to do- and that this was something about which I was serious (it is one of a few possible issues that I could pick, however it was the highest priority). He explained to me over and over his reasons for doing things the way he liked (no new reasons after the first time). I told him that I rejected his reasoning as faulty, that I thought he was being unreasonable, that it was my house and as long as I paid the bill, this was not optional, told him we were not going to convince each other, and that we had to agree to disagree, and for that reason I was going to go and do something else. AND THEN I CLOSED THE DOOR.

I was high as a kite after that meeting. I was excited to be me for the first time in a long time. I felt a little unsettled, but mostly relieved; I had weathered the storm and had expressed myself clearly without apology, had defended myself well, and hadn't back down.

It remains to be seen how he will react, although it is interesting to note that he has not paid his rent. It was due yesterday. Although the other housemates agree that the wasteful thing he is doing is silly as well as wasteful, I was the only one in the position to say anything about it because it was skin off of my nose. I don't think that it will have the intended effect, but it might yet. Anyway, I no longer feel like a basketcase, and all due to being able to say, "No!"

Signed,
B